Are you there God? It’s me, Zene.
I’m sorry it took so long for me to write you again, but here I am. I know today was as wake up call and I heard you loud and clear. How absolutely embarrassing though. I know never to judge your plans, and I’m not, but did I have to be rescued by humans?! AARGH!! Death would have been preferable had I not realized you are presenting me with an opportunity, nay, a challenge, but those fragile, pink sacs of pig shit are the worst. Except for Red, he’s a bit of alright. Ok, ok, I like him a lot and owe him more than I’d like to admit, but he does seem to have questionable taste in friends. I also feel bad about lying to him. After he went on and on and on and on and on about what had happened to me….I told him I was glad I didn’t have to murder his companions, but I did “want” to. I wasn’t sure it was the time to be so truthful. I will work harder with Red to be more truthful.
This is because of the baby bugbear incident isn’t it? I thought I explained and atoned for this already, but I had no idea that they were so breakable. Well, not initially anyway. I admit, after I accidentally smothered and crushed the 4th or 5th I got the hint, but then I got so excited by the killing sounds!! Oh wow, I’m getting excited right now! I need to think about something boring and calm down: Hugs…Books….Red explaining things. Ok, I’m better.
I know I promised not to be so negative, but I really have my work cut out for me. It’s like several villages lost their idiots and they came together to form a band of inept adventurers. I had to stifle my laughter several times today as they struggled to fight insects. Insects?!?! I know you know this being God and all, but one of the puny humans tried to take out a swarm by waving a torch like an adolescent female that ran unknowingly into a spiderweb. Obviously, that’s where I come in. I give you my word that I will whip this group into fighting shape in quick time. And I also promise to give them a chance and not murder them in their sleep. If Red is ok with them then I have to give them a chance…by not murdering them in their sleep. I don’t want this to be a repeat of “The Cleveland” job.
They don’t all seem to be that bad. I mean, the female of the group is an ugly witch, but what can you do. I’m not just saying that because she’s the only female in the group, but because she is literally an ugly witch. …and because she’s the only female in the group. There is this one guy, I can’t remember his name (human names are so difficult to remember and very, very stupid), but he had a hard time looking at my naked body. Obviously it’s because he can’t control himself around such buxomness. He clearly has a thing for half-orc vag, or as those in the know call it “snaggle-vag” and “savage genitalia”. I feel bad for him and I will work hard so that he isn’t so uncomfortable all the time as I plan to get naked a lot. (note to self: get naked around him every chance I get).
So, to recap my plans:
1. Gain Red’s trust by not murdering the group…and being more honest about my feelings, especially about “wanting” to murder the group, but not doing it.
2. Give the group some help pointers about murdering things they dislike and that dislike them.
3. Show body off more often to help group members be comfortable liking females.
4. Show off body to lame human and give up the “snaggle-vag” if he decides to be a real man.
5. Murder more stuffs and things.
6. Complete life goal #334: Pull someone’s arms off and beat them to death with them.
7. Find a ring of regeneration, but only if it complements my current magical accompaniments.
8. Stop referring to humans as “pink sacs of pig shit”
9. Get to know group better. Bond by learning important things about them: “What do they like to kill? What is their favorite body part to chop off? How many people did they kill when they were a toddler?”
10. Feign interest in what we are doing and why we are doing it.
That’s enough for today, I’ll write again tomorrow.
Praise be to you for my rage, killing things, Red and this opportunity to teach this group how to murder things better.
Your friend and servant, Zene.
P.S. We are going down the trash shoot tomorrow and I swear if there’s a trash monster I shall be very cross.